


saturn

by sunflower_8



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguments, Confrontations, Depression, F/M, Mental Breakdown, Minor Violence, Post-Simulation, Uncomfortable Conversations, Unrequited Love, idk - Freeform, in a sense?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:15:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21995113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower_8/pseuds/sunflower_8
Summary: you taught me the courage of stars before you left.(maki and kaito talk after the show)
Relationships: Harukawa Maki & Momota Kaito, Harukawa Maki/Momota Kaito (not really)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	saturn

maki thought the sky looked beautiful tonight.

usually, she refrained from looking at white flecks painted on a navy canvas. it brought up bad memories, and after having to get carried to bed by shuichi multiple times, it was decided that she would purchase curtains and avoid the night. but when she did see it, like she was now, it was beautiful.

the reason she was looking at them was less captivating than the stars; her reason was more painful than anything. after reaching out, for months and months, she was finally stargazing in a park, laying beside her enemy (and someone she desperately loved), kaito momota. except it wasn’t anything like the nights where she would train with him. instead, she was here to talk to him, to see if she could find the person she once loved. and if she couldn’t do that, she wanted, so desperately, to make him  _ understand _ . 

there wasn’t much conversation to make, though, except to talk about danganronpa.

“y’know, i really hate that they made me an astronaut,” kaito said after a long silence, glaring at the stars with disdain. maki tried to look like she wasn’t searching for her purpose in the night sky (the only place she could see it). she huffed out a breath in the chilly air, shivering slightly, and kaito would-- should-- have offered his jacket to her, but this wasn’t the same person she fell in love with a thousand years ago. she wished her heart  _ understood _ ; for all of its flaws, it was always good at suppression, but the feelings were clawing up in her throat and she hated, hated,  _ hated _ how it felt.

she realized he was awaiting a response, so she sighed softly and said, “i understand.”

“i mean, i guess i shouldn’t complain, eh? you’re a damn assassin to the world.” he laughed, and it didn’t sound like him at  _ all.  _ it sounded so artificial, like a strangled noise cultivated on a farm somewhere, where the chickens were headless and the sheep were naked and the cows were exhausted. it didn’t sound like kaito momota, luminary of the stars. it was disgusting, and she wished her heart  _ understood  _ that this man was not the person she wasted her laughter on. 

why had she even come out here, anyway?

she tucked her hair behind her ear. “yeah. it’s bullshit. all of it was bullshit.” he grinned next to her, and she turned to look at him. “were you glad you did it?”

“fuck yeah.” her body was overcome with a chill, one that had nothing to do with the frosty air outside. she nodded, trying to gesture that she understood, she understood him so  _ please stop,  _ but he kept talking and she just listened. what else could she do? “i mean, we’re rich now. my boss offered me a promotion because he doesn’t want me to leave. he knows i could bounce at any moment, but i have the clerk under my belt too, in more ways than one.” he laughed, and she smiled politely but when did he become like  _ this?  _ “it’s a damn good life. i know you disagree, though. ‘course you do. it’s harder for the survivors, you guys always get… attached. traumatized.”

“the others are traumatized, too.”  _ it’s just you, kaito, it’s always just been you in so many goddamn ways.  _ “you’re the only one seizing the day, really.”

“sounds like something old me would say. ‘seize the day’ and all that optimistic bullshit.”

“you’re still an optimist.” she tried, she pretended.

he shrugged. “i’m not dumb enough to waste the opportunity given to me, but i’m not dumb enough to live some kind of fucking fantasy. i’m just being smart.”

_ he talked like life was some kind of business deal, and he was being savvy to squeeze out every ounce of good luck and fortune for himself. he was smarter than the others, even those who had business related careers. he knew exactly what the world could give him, and he played off of those strengths. he wasn’t afraid to to flirt, to boast, to leave the fucking house. he’s one of the only ones this season who never cowered, and instead made himself large enough to take up an entire room. more often than not, maki’s apartment with himiko and shuichi was filled with three people trying to make themselves so much smaller than they could be.  _

“what do you want from me, harukawa?” he asked suddenly, his voice more abrasive and cold than before. she flinched at the contrast. “i’m done with this small talk bullshit. you came here to fall in love with me again, right? you want me to fall in love with you. harukawa, i couldn’t give less of a damn about you and your life. you’re pretty, i’ll give you that, and i would even consider talking to you more often if you can get your head out of your heart and understand that we weren’t meant to be. ever. we aren’t fucking soulmates. so why the fuck did you come here if you knew all of that?” he finished. 

she was breathless, even though she wasn’t the one talking. the world felt like it was spinning underneath her, and she couldn’t tell if all the blood had left her head or rushed to it. either way, she was dizzy and holy shit, he was so right, and she wished her heart  _ understood.  _ she couldn’t muster a proper reply to his statements, so instead she weakly said, “you can call us by our first names. everyone else does that.”

“are you even going to say anything?” he almost looked like he pitied her. “you’re so caught up in the stars above you, you can’t even see reality-”

_ she wished she could control her heart, her anger, her actions.  _

“if i could fucking control it-” she interrupted, jumping to her feet and cradeling her heart to her chest. her arms shivered around her, but she felt like he could suddenly see her rib cage and lungs and everything that made her up. she saw him as a carnivore, admiring her for everything that wasn’t really her, like the only time he could understand was when he had ultimate power and she wished her heart  _ understood.  _ “-i wouldn’t fucking love you!”

“harukawa-” he started.

“are you this dense? why the fuck would i love this version of you if i had a choice-”

“this isn’t some version of me, harukawa!” he joined her in standing, now a thousand feet taller than her, looking down at her like she was an offensive dog, following him at his heels. “this is who i am; this is the person i’ve been from the very beginning! the person on those huge screens was a caricature, and it seems like you haven’t changed even a little bit from that pathetic, traumatized girl on the screen! this version of you is the dense one here, because you can’t tell pixels from a damn person!” he held his arms wide open, gesturing at the park and sky around him. “this is the real world! congratulations,  _ sweetheart.  _ this is the cruel world you never understood, because you’re so wrapped up in your own fucking fantasies and wonderlands and you can’t-”

maki felt the pressure boiling in her gut, and she raised her quivering hand to slap him. he stared at her, shock finally apparent in his eyes, and  _ finally, it seemed like he understood a bit.  _ a sob escaped her lips and tears fell down her cheeks and rested on her cupid’s bow. she stepped forward a bit, her boots digging into the dirt, and shouted, “i know the cruelty of this goddamn world better than you ever could! you rich, cocky, selfish  _ bastard _ ! you wouldn’t know pain unless it hit you in the fucking face! don’t act like you’re a victim to my existence, because do you know who the real fucking victim here is? me! and shuichi, who has to pull back my hair when i’m vomiting up alcohol. and himiko, who has to bippity boppity boo my self destruction away. it’s everyone, but never fucking  _ you _ . i’d pity tsumugi shirogane before i even consider feeling sorry for your ass.” she laughed hysterically, feeling her crazy build up in her heart again, like it always did. “i’m so goddamn sorry that you have to put up with me. i’m so sorry that you have to even witness my pain, because don’t mind me! don’t mind the others that are traumatized! don’t fucking mind them, poor  _ you  _ for having to exist in such a sad, sad world. it’s so hard being happy, oh, go fuck yourself!” 

they stood there silently for a moment, the air filled with maki’s heaving breaths and the surprise from kaito that’s almost palpable. she hated the ugly feeling filling her. she should go home, because shuichi could make her feel so much better with his understanding and sympathetic nature, but she needed to enter the battlefield just once to remind herself that she wasn’t nothing. she existed, and that existence was big and angry and pitiful but she existed, and she was so  _ angry _ that she would do this a thousand times if it meant that kaito would understand. 

“you turned out exactly like i thought,” he finally commented, his face entirely blank of any glee or hatred. “i feel sorry for you.”

“i don’t want your pity.”

“oh, i know. but if you’re seriously flaunting your depression to the person you hate the most, that must mean you want something from me. do you want me to change? do you want me to grab your hand and confess that i’m sad sometimes too? do you want me to propose some kind of fucking truce? because that’s not why i’m here.”

“then why  _ are  _ you?!” she gasped, and he fell quiet again. “what’s the fucking point? are you curious what i’m like now, after all the trauma and nightmares and bullshit? are you intrigued? is this part of the business deal every normal person calls  _ life _ ? are you bored?! what is it, kaito?!”

“what did you want from me? answer me that, harukawa, because you pretty much nailed why the hell i bothered talking to someone as pathetic as you.”

she suddenly grasped his jacket, the stupid purple thing he kept wearing because it probably looked suave and was too expensive. she felt awkward in her grey sweatshirt and black sweatpants, but she grabbed that rich fabric and glared at him. it looked like it surprised him more than the slap, and oh, kaito, the feeling’s fucking  _ mutual.  _ “i wanted you to  _ understand. _ ”

“oh my god, what’s the  _ point _ ?!”

“that’s what i asked you! but you dodged it like everything else! say what you will about me being a poor, dense little girl-,” she spat, mustering up all the hatred she could into the words she spoke, “-but you are the biggest fucking liar. that’s probably why you hated ouma, right? you couldn’t fathom someone being a shameless liar, because you probably feel guilty for manipulating everyone constantly! or maybe you don’t feel guilty, and you’ll just take this life that’s working oh so well for you, and burn in hell for eternity after! i want to watch you feel sorry for once. maybe that’s my purpose, maybe the stars up there were telling me i should stay alive to see kaito momota feel sorry because i’ve seen everything else. and hey,” she grinned ruefully, “the impossible is possible. isn’t that right,  _ kaito momota, luminary of the- _ ”

kaito slapped his hand over her mouth, and she bit it on impulse. he winced and wiped his hand on his pants, but still shouted scathingly, “don’t you dare finish that fucking sentence, you little bitch!”

_ holy shit. _

“oh?” she giggled with a touch of insanity in her breathy tone. she felt like now, in this moment, he finally understood what she’d been trying for this entire night. he was finally showing the part of himself he thought he wasn’t going to show, and knowing that she reduced him to something vulnerable, no matter what means she had to use to do so, was exhilarating. “you didn’t want to hear that, huh? maybe... maybe it causes you  _ pain. _ ”

“no.” he heaved, meeting her eyes. all she could see in those violet irises was loathing and the look of a man before he slaughtered someone else. nobody would find her in the forest, if he chose to do that, but killing her would mean that she won. she’s fine with that. 

“maybe it’s traumatizing!”

“shut up!” he roared, and if she listened closely enough, she could hear actual pain and emotion in his voice. 

“does it hurt you, kaito momota, luminary-”

he pushed her roughly, standing over her and looking like he was going to rip her to pieces. 

“-of-”

he pinned her to a nearby tree and scraped her body against the bark. she wheezed, feeling something akin to happiness overcome her. she was going insane, but she didn’t care. finally.  _ finally.  _

“-the-”

“if you finish that damn sentence, i will-”

“-stars!”

she pressed herself against the tree, watching as the other punched and kicked her, enough to leave bruises for weeks. she didn’t care. what she cared about was his expression, the glaring look that screamed pain. when she saw a tear trace down his cheek as he yelled, “ _ damn you! damn you, you fucking bitch!”  _ she felt them pour down her face too. finally, finally he understood. she’d been waiting for fucking  _ years _ , and it seemed like kaito actually believed he’d get away with being thought of as strong and arrogant and powerful. it felt good to strip him of his defenses, to know that even if he put them back up the next day, she would know that he’s equal to all of them. they were the same, all of them: lower than fucking dirt and in more pain than anybody would realize. he eventually seemed tired of abusing her, allowing her to collapse while he breathed heavily. 

“nobody would find you dead here,” he threatened. 

“i’ve been wanting to die my entire life, kaito,” she replied. “so do it. kill me.”

he didn’t have a response to that, instead saying something she only half expected. “why did you have to do that?” he begged and pleaded, more tears glistening on his face. “are you a sadist? did you want to see that?”

“kaito, all i wanted in the beginning was for you to be happy,” she stated. “then, you fucked us over. i heard about how your corporation treated us when it came to prescribing medication to danganronpa survivors.”

“why didn’t you say that earlier?” he asked desperately. “if you were mad, we could have struck a deal!” he looked like a man who had watched his world fall apart, and maki was the derailed train that ended his happiness and facade. 

“because i’m not a businesswoman and this wasn’t for revenge. not all the way. i wanted you to understand that you’re the same as us. i wanted to see that. i don’t care if you never talk to me again, or if you hate me, or if my heart still fucking thinks i’m in love with someone like you. i know you never want to talk to us again, and i’m fine with that. if you ever want to, fifty years in the future, i’ll listen. and if not, at least we know who you are. we know what you hid. i’m not sorry for you, but i have to sympathize with the way you kept this so hidden.”

“i’m stronger than you,” he retorted. “i always will be. maybe... maybe i’m… no! no, i’m not the person you think i am! i’m strong and i’m the big fucking boss that will ruin your crumbling world! i'll make sure you suffer for the rest of your entire life! you’ll go to jail for ruining me like this, you piece of shit!” he continued with the empty threats for minutes on end. “i’ll hire someone to kill you! i’ll hire a fucking assassin to destroy every bit of you, to steal all of your shit. i’ll stop your flow of meds. i’ll make sure nobody even wants to help you! i will ruin you for this, because i’m the most powerful person alive right now. actor, businessman, millionaire! i’m not a  _ freak _ like you!”

_ who are you trying to convince, kaito? _

“that’d be lovely, thanks,” she said dryly. “go back to fucking your clerk and getting that promotion. i have no threats or ill will to wish upon you, but i’ll say this: you will remember this conversation for the rest of your life. it will keep you up at night. even if you outlive me, which i’m certain you will, you will hear me talking to you. you will hear me reminding you that you are weak. and someday, you will contemplate the difference between weak and strong, and understand that you’re the weakest person on this fucking planet. until then…” she smiled. “have a good night.”

he spat on her before walking away, his shoulders tensing and his head turning around frequently, as if he expected her to assault him last minute. instead, maki tilted her head and stared at the stars, even long after he was gone. the stars they had been looking at mere minutes ago, with contempt and longing at the same time. they seemed to twinkle above her, as if they were proud. she wished she could join them, become part of the stardust. she wished, deep down, that she didn’t have to talk to kaito like that, because it was as incredible as it was exhausting. she resolved to lay there for a while, and maybe call shuichi when the sun comes up and ask if he could pick her up. until then, she drank up the moonlight and smiled, tired but proud.

(later, when shuichi did come in the old-fashioned taxi with a couple of crumpled paper notes, he asked if she was alright. she smiled at him, telling him quietly that she finally figured out kaito momota. she said he finally, finally understood. shuichi picked her up and pretended to understand, taking her home, caring for her wounds, and tucking her into bed, because maki harukawa looked like a different kind of broken.

but later, when she explained, he understood. and that was the most miraculous part.)

**Author's Note:**

> proud of this piece.
> 
> i really like writing arguments. i wrote this one a bit after heartbeat, which was my other fic that had a similar sort of vibe to this. i really hope people like it; i know this isn't exactly the content people look out for.
> 
> have a good night
> 
> (also, lyrics are from "saturn" by sleeping at last. this song is possibly the most kaimaki song out there.)


End file.
